im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
