Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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