im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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