Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
