Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
This house was built for laser tag.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
