I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
