dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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