wrigley field is MILF paradise
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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