Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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