You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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