I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
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Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
My ATM looks so different sober.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
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You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I need to calm my uterus...
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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