In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
