Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
