we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
