So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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