guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
