If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
