I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
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