so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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