Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
