at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
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