I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
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