I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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