My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
