Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
