If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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