watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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