the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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