guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
