overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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