so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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