i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
