I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
