So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
