remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
