party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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