Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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