you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
