please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
