I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
