I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
