I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
