Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
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