I will die if light touches me.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
so let's talk penis.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
