Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
