No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You need a sexual gate keeper
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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