my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
