Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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