I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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