I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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