This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
