I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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