My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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