why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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