So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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