Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Randomize
